Children and Death

How many uses can you find for a dead fox? When I happened upon one recently whilst out walking with my children, the poor lifeless creature suddenly became the catalyst for an important family moment. It was an opportunity to talk about death. You won’t find ‘thanatology’ on the curriculum at school, yet it’s the one subject that every child will have to deal with at some point. Thanatology is the little known word used to describe death education, a taboo in our society, especially when dealing with children. They learn about birth in sex education, but our final rite of passage is rarely acknowledged by either school or home.

It is estimated by Winston’s Wish, a charity that works with bereaved children and their families, that 5% of children will experience the death of a parent or sibling, and 10% will lose a parent, carer, close friend or relative. Most children will be aware of the death of someone more distant, or will lose a pet. No matter how idyllic we try to make childhood, death will always be there to cast a shadow.

The modern child’s relationship to death is likely to be a puerile one. Many children are exposed to high levels of glorified violence and death through television and video games. At Halloween they play ghoulish games to confront fears about what lies beyond the grave. However, most children are unlikely to have ever seen a real dead body, or possibly even had a meaningful conversation with an adult about our final destiny. It is important that we share with children the reality of death, not in a morbid, fearful way, but as a natural process and great mystery. We all want children
to inhabit a happy, positive world, but to deny them the reality of death also denies them something about the reality of life. In the words of the popular spiritual writer, the late M.Scott Peck, ‘When we shy away from death, the ever-changing nature of things, we inevitably shy away from life.’ Also, if we do not allow the concept of death to gently permeate children’s lives, they will be ill prepared if sudden tragedy were to strike.

The children’s bereavement charity The Gone Forever Project is pressing the Government and Teacher’s Training Agency to include death education in the school curriculum. It wants to ensure that all teachers are trained in the awareness of the issues which surround loss and bereavement, as part of their initial training. Teachers can include death education across the curriculum, as part of emotional literacy in Personal, Social and Health Education, or funeral rituals in Religious Education. Death could also be discussed in science lessons in terms of the life cycle of the natural world. Schools also often have to respond to real deaths, either of a pupil, a parent or teacher. My son’s junior school recently held an assembly in memory of one its pupils who had died of leukemia. Helium balloons were released by the children with goodbye messages. Holding such a ceremony was controversial amongst the staff, some of whom thought it might be unnecessarily upsetting. When I went to collect my children, many pupils were weeping. It was terribly sad, but I felt that as well as being an important farewell ritual, it also reminded us all of the value of life. Parents and children seemed to be acutely aware of how much they loved each other that day.

Parents will find that opportunities to discuss death with their children will spontaneously occur. On the simplest level you can point out to your children the cycles of birth and death that exist in nature. Notice together how the flowers first bloom, then die, how autumn and winter follow spring and summer. Discuss the aging process by observing the physiology between old and young; and like the fox we found at the roadside, there are likely to be animal corpses to contemplate.

The death of a pet often provides children with their first experience of personal grief, and for this reason is a positive learning experience. When a child’s pet dies a parent needs to be sensitive about the loss, no matter how small the animal. An important way of doing this is by making sure there is a thoughtful goodbye ritual. This reassures the child that the pet was cared for, as well as providing a focus for their bereavement. Debbie Orme runs ‘Goodbye My Pet’ a company that makes attractive cardboard pet coffins and grave markers. It also supplies a helpful ceremony book to guide parents and children through a simple pet funeral at home. ‘I get lots of letters from families telling me how much the funeral helped them all come to terms with the loss of their pet. Parents also say that the experience enabled the family to share their beliefs and feelings in a way they wouldn’t normally. Adult pet lovers have used my coffins and ceremony booklets too, with similar results.’ Debbie Orme believes that although the loss of a pet is a sad event for children, if handled well, it can also become a meaningful and memorable family experience.

Children all deal with bereavement in different ways. Typically they may express their feelings through actions rather than words. Young children may wet the bed, cry and seek attention or feel unwell.

Older children
my display changes in personality, show sleep and appetite disturbances, find it hard to concentrate at school and become depressed. Some children may show no obvious signs of bereavement at all initially. It is quite usual for grief to come in waves and for a child to feel sad one moment, and the next seem perfectly happy. Although talking to children about the death of a person or animal that they love may be one of the hardest things we ever have to do, it is one of the most important ways we can help as they journey through their grief.

Children’s levels of understanding about death

Under two
Have little concept of death but will still miss the deceased and sense the upset.

Two to four year olds
Find it hard to understand that death is permanent, and may ask when the deceased is coming back.

Five to ten year old
They begin to understand the finality of death, and can have lots of questions about it.

Adolescence
The finality of death is more fully understood. It may be a time of high emotions, and a reluctance to open up and share with you.

About the Author: Article by Jane Bartlett and Debbie Orme for Goodbye My Pet, providers of home burial items and pet coffins.

Thanks Jane Bartlett

TRUE VICTORY

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Matthew 14:30.

We applaud Peter for attempting what we might consider the impossible. Water, after all, makes a poor ground. But he did actually walk for a certain space across the turbulent waters. How was he able to do this? It was simply that he had his eyes on Jesus, the symbol of victory, approaching through the storm. Faith identified him with Christ and endowed him with divine power. It is an example of faith in action, for it brings life into harmony with the creative will.

Such faith is the victory that overcomes the world. In that moment of utter and complete identification with Christ, Peter achieved the impossible. But, when he took his focus off Jesus; when he began to focus on the storm, he began to sink. How sad to fail after having started successfully.

This scenario mimics our own does it not? So often we begin well but become distracted by negative forces. We allow our fears and unbelief; our overconfidence and feigned self-sufficiency to capture us and bind us in the psychological tomb of defeat. Peter recovered and so can we. Once rid of his self-assertiveness and self-sufficiency, and acknowledging his need, his danger, his weakness and his folly, he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus saw him and lifted him up.

It was not Peter’s faith, but his faith in Christ Jesus that saved him. When he called, Jesus responded. By faith we live in Him and enjoy His true victory.

Sovereign Lord, you told me to ask and I would receive and to knock and the door would be open. I am asking for the victory that only you can give. Help me to keep my vision clearly on my Savior and my heart attuned to your holy word. Supply me with all that I need to be victorious over this world and when it is time to lay down my weapons and study war no more, may I find a place in your kingdom where I will render you praises throughout all eternity. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Tags: Bible, Christ, God, Jesus, Matthew 14, Peter, Scritpture, Sovereign Lord, true victory, victory

ETERNITY

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11.

Every man has eternity set in his heart. This is a truth proven by our own sense of the emptiness of mundane things. It clarifies our notice of the instability of the things connected with our earthly existence. It explains our yearning for something beyond ourselves. Within the spirit of every man is restless instinct. There is a universal yearning after God.

God has put forever in our hearts! Eternity has been set within us as part of our very being, and the eternal seeks the Eternal, and no one but the Eternal can satisfy. We cannot rest content with this world, no matter how hard we may try, for God has set eternity in our hearts. All the things of the world—family, property, physical health, material wealth, and even the human relationships that we feel would bring us wholeness, fulfillment and rest—turn out to be paltry substitutes, counterfeits, deceptions for this yearning after God, the Eternal. And, even if you were to achieve all these things, you are still not relieved or free of the constant treadmill of wants, desires and anxious attachments. We are still empty, unhappy, and unfulfilled. Only the Eternal can satisfy the eternal yearning within. The eternity set in your heart is the yearning for God, the yearning for your Beloved, the Redeemer, and it is the yearning for your true estate as heir of his kingdom.

Eternal God, you are able to accept in me what I cannot even acknowledge; you have named in me what I cannot bear to speak of; you hold in your memory what I have tried to forget. Reconcile me to the eternal destiny for which I long in the uttermost part of my soul. Teach me, Lord, to number my days and to see the span of my life in the light of eternity. Reveal your splendor to me. Give me the wisdom and grace to know your love and to rejoice in your forgiveness and life; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Tags: Ecclesiastes, eternity, God, prayer, suffering

Do You Want To Get Well?

When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” John 5:6.

“Do you want to get well?” At first glance, this seems like a rather strange question for Jesus to be asking a man who had been plagued for nearly forty years with an incurable disease. It would seem logical, from a human perspective, to assume that this would be his greatest desire—to finally be whole again. But this was not a logical assumption to Jesus. Jesus knew far too well how easily long illnesses can become chronic habit. He knew how hard it is to stop a person who is in the habit of complaining, to stop complaining. He knew how people die daily simply because they do not have a will to live. He understood how some people would rather have pity than responsibility and would rather have hand-outs than the task of giving out. Jesus understood what 38 years of complacency, of physical and spiritual inertia, would do to the human spirit.

We live in a world not unlike this scenario. A world filled with the sick and satisfied; a world where many want privileges without responsibility, success without sacrifice, and victory without struggle. Our world is filled with paralytics of all kinds and of all descriptions. Jesus asked an important question because no man can be helped against his will. Jesus knew the danger and the futility of trying to help those who are not ready for it. God cannot give us what we do not want. We must realize that neither man nor God can help the individual who is not willing to do a little something for himself. God has a role and so does man. There can be no wholeness without responsibility. We cannot find wholeness on couches of complacency. If you want to get well, Jesus is the answer. He has what we need. There is absolutely no situation in life that Christ cannot do something about. He can change any situation or He can make you live with it without complaint.

Tags: Christ, doctor, God, illness, Jesus, John 5:6, Life

E-Books

The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever! All glory to God!

I am pleased to announce that three of my e-books are available on Smashwords for immediate sample or purchase downloads. Check them out!!

Room Beneath the Snow: Poem that Preach
Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach
God’s Intertestamental Silence:Then Came Jesus Christ

Coming Soon!

Christian Marriage Imperatives: What You Must KNOW Prior to Tying the Knot

God bless you and keep you!
Rev. Saundra

Tags: ebooks, God's Intertestamental Silence, negative disturbances, room beneath the snow, saundra washington, smashwords

Exit the Freeway

Have you ever noticed how much our lives resemble a freeway? Once we are on it, we are in constant motion. We must remain alert at all times. We speed up, slow down, and switch lanes. We set our eyes straight ahead, look back from time to time, check our side and rear mirrors periodically, do not make any unexpected turns, and get there before the cars all around us. We cannot brake too soon, accelerate too heavily, or cruise too long. We must always be aware of what is going on around us, lest we miss a sign or clue that could have prevented a fatal accident. It is as though we are competing in a race of some kind. One false move and the whole freeway is stopped or slowed down for hours.

This is life. Yet, it is necessary at times that we exit the freeway of life. This is difficult to do since there are so many demands made upon us. And they are relentless demands. During the last three years of His life, Jesus was also on a freeway. He was so busy at times that He did not take time to eat. Regularly, however, He retired to quiet spots and prayed to His Father. As we travel the freeway of life, we must realize the importance of exiting on occasion and finding a quiet spot. The freeway is hectic. We need the refreshment that comes from quiet prayer.

Lord God, thank you for the privilege of meeting with you whenever I choose and forgive me for neglecting fellowship with you when I should but do not. I dedicate my quiet times to you anew today. Gracious Master, I lay all distractions and at your throne right now. Please help me find ways to minimize these annoyances and intrusions of spirit. Thank you, Father! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Tags: freeway, Jesus, jesus christ, Life, prayer power

Our Grief Companion

Grief does not follow a time schedule. It does not punch in a time clock for noting its beginning or ending. Neither does it have respect for our agenda. It comes and goes as it pleases and does not ask permission for its unexpected arrival or departure. It does not provide clues as to when it will visit or how long it plans to stay as our uninvited guest. Grief is rude and intrusive and brings its luggage of pain and sorrow, misery and despair.

Grief is a teaser for just when we think we have survived its malicious assault; it sneaks upon us once again. It is unrelenting in its pursuit.
In my too many years of experience working with the bereaved, and my own personal sufferings due to loss of loved ones, I am convinced that intellectual and emotional acceptance of the death is not ultimately the outstanding issues. Rather, it is the intellectual and emotional acceptance of the fact that grief, as unwelcome as it may be, will always be our companion. Grief is in response to love lost. Even though our loved ones are deceased, we still love them and that is where grief derives its potency.

Yes, it is appropriate and healthy to invest in other relationships; but that does not dismiss, eliminate or replace that apartment in our hearts and soul still occupied by our beloveds. Nothing can or ever will. Thus, what survivors do is adjust to the loss and the role of grief in our lives. In other words, we manage it.

Now, let me clarify why I prefer using the term management as oppose to the overused “healing.” Manage can mean many things. For example, it can mean to juggle many assignments at once in an organized manner. The intransitive verb means to survive or continue despite difficulties, especially a lack of resources. Both of these variant meanings apply to managing grief.

We hesitate to refer to our grief process as “healing” because healing seems to imply a return to wholeness. The Encarta Dictionary defines healing as “to make a person or injury healthy and whole.” Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it: to make sound or whole; to restore to health.” Though we are talking semantics, it is important to understand that loss of significant loved ones creates a permanent change; a permanent part of the survivor’s inner being is changed, never to be restored to its former state.

When I think of grief management, I compare it in a way to people suffering with diabetes. There is currently no cure. Diabetics must take responsibility for their day-to-day care, and keep blood glucose levels from going too low or too high. They must regularly monitor and learn to manage their diabetes. So it is with grief. There is no cure for grief and grievers must take responsibility for their day-to-day progress in completing the required tasks and learn to manage their grief.

We manage our grief by understanding that this is our time for living and our time for making our contribution to the world and therefore, we do not withdraw from it. We understand that our relationship with our deceased has not ended, but changed. We function without their physical presence, but not their spiritual presence. Thus, we adjust to living without them as they once were and living without the unique role, they once played in our lives. They have now assumed a different presence and a different role.

We manage our grief by reassessing and reinterpreting our lives within the context of the change brought about by our loved ones death. We understand that changes are sometimes painful and difficult.

We further understand that reaching out in love to other hurting souls is meaningful and medicinal for our own emotional well-being. It humanizes our experience and reminds us that our ship is not the only one struggling through the raging sea of grief. Getting involved with others makes real the reality that life goes on and draws us away from that nasty, debilitating self-pity. In our grief, as we reach out to other hurting individuals, we join the fellowship of the brokenhearted and wounded healers who, in spite of their own pains, minister to the pains of others. And in so doing, we make the amazing discovery, that our own pains are being ministered to in the process.

Lastly, we understand that our grief can be managed creatively and responsively. We help ourselves by engaging with those we know care about us with whom we can share reflections of our deceased beloveds. We develop new rituals that honor them while simultaneously ministering to our own grief pains. We take care of our physical and spiritual selves. Meditation and other art forms of relaxation and healing are wonderful for maintaining perspective, creating positive energy flow and uplifting the spirit and soothing the soul.

Understanding and practicing grief management is what diffuses the power of grief; weakens its ability to disable and depress. Even though grief will always be with us because we loved with a love that death could not severe, managing it allows for peaceful co-existence. Grief pains simmer, its invasion diminishes, and eventually, it becomes less bothersome.

Just as death is the price we pay for life, so grief is the price we pay for love. And personally, I do not mind the pain.

I DON’T MIND THE PAIN

When you died my darling, precious love,
I had no sights or thoughts for tomorrow.
My soul experienced a wrenching eruption
Of pain and grief and excruciating sorrow.
The anguish of spirit: so unbearable;
The agony of mind: so intense,
The suffering in body: so unceasing,
Against all: I had no defense.

Nevertheless, beloved, I need you to know,
And I pray you can hear what I say.
I don’t mind the pain I’m going through.
It’s a small price, for our love, to pay.

We knew that one day we would have to part;
That death would come by in due time.
We knew how hard it would be for the other,
Who had to courageously linger behind.
But we decided our love was worth the cost,
And valued each moment together we shared.
Now that I must without you go on,
The pain of my loss I will not be spared.

I wouldn’t, if I could, give my pain away.
It’s special and mine all alone.
It affirms all the love that I felt for you,
And in me, it can only be known.

So honey, though the pain of grief I endure
Will gradually and slowly subside.
The strength of the love that you and I shared,
In the core of my heart will forever abide.

Saundra L. Washington D.D.
© 2009 AMEN Ministries

Rev. Saundra L. Washington invites you to visit AMEN Ministries Christian Grief Help Center and Bereaved After Care Gift Ministry. It offers a wealth of resources and services for grievers and assist friends of the bereaved with a meaningful method of expressing ongoing support beyond the funeral rite. Your comments are always welcome.

Tags: grief, grief management, grief resources, power, wounded healers

In Memory of Memorials

Memorials are landmarks, occasions, celebration, or even
institutions and organization put up to pay tribute to important
events or personalities. These memorials can be found in every
culture and in every generation.

Man has always been a sentimental lot. Every culture places
great importance on the memorable events and personalities that
grace their history. However, man is also a forgetful lot. This
leads him to erect monuments and feast days to make sure that
these important memories do not fade into obscurity.

In the early days, memorials would take the simple form of a
pile of rocks that symbolized some important event. Often, these
landmarks would also mark the grave of a loved one.

As man settled down in cities, the monuments he built as
memorials grew in size and complexity. The ancient Egyptians,
for example, built the Pyramids as a memorial to its departed
kings, who were regarded as gods.

Around 90 of these pyramids were built to house the remains of
the various pharaohs and statesmen that lived in Egypt. Pyramids
usually towered 50 stories height and were made from around 2.5
million block, each weighing about 2.5 metric tons. If ever
there was a memorial that was truly enormous in magnitude and
significance, this was it.

The Hebrews were also known for elaborate feast days to
commemorate many different occasions such as victory in war, and
important historical events.

The Mayan culture depicted its kings in battle on stone
monuments called stelae. As with most cultures, the glories and
miseries of battle are a favorite theme for memorials.

The Romans were more deliberate (and political ) in their
establishment of monuments. The Empire’s senate would usually
commission artisans, craftsmen, and masons to periodically build
monuments sometimes out of sheer whimsy and out of the rich
coffers of the State.

The Taj Mahal in India is one of the most beautiful examples of
a memorial in existence. The Taj Mahal was built by the Mughal
emperor Shah Jahan in memory of his wife Mumtaz Mahal.

Construction of the edifice started a year after Mumtaz’ death,
which was in 1631. It took, in all, 21 year for the Taj Mahal
and its surrounding gardens to be completed.

Today numerous memorials, like the Lincoln Memorial which houses
a huge sitting statue of Abraham Lincoln, dot the American
Landscape. And only fitting so, since America is a land rich
with historical significance.

In many countries there exist monuments to the fallen brave
during war. This is quite a departure from the ancient monuments
that showed victorious kings trumping through battle.

Today’s society is more sympathetic to the sacrifices of the
gallant soldiers who offered their lives in battle for their
motherland.

But not all memorials take tangible form. In most cultures,
there exist yearly memorial dates and feasts. Dates such as
Thanksgiving Day, Christmas, Labor Day, Independence Day
populate the country’s calendar year after year.

There are also memorial dates that come once in a decade or a
century. An example of such is the 50th anniversary of the
bombing of Pear Harbor.

Memorials are a part of history and self-determination. As said
once, those who do not pay attention to history are doomed to
repeat it. These memorials are a testament to the human
experience and are a sentimental proof to its value of history
and culture.

James Monahan

Forever Remembered
Grief Center
Grief Course

Tags: grief, grief help center, grief resources, memorials, memories, monuments, spiritual journey, suffering

Washing in the Jordan

Man has always rebelled against God; has always proposed alternatives to the true way of life; has always sought substitutes. Man has always pivoted his mind against the mind and might of Almighty God; has always sought answers outside the stream of divine plan and purpose. Man knows everything. We want to follow Christ but on our own terms and without a cross.

Many of us need to go wash in the Jordan because we are sick with the pulsating sores of pride, greed, hatred, jealousy, resentment, conceit, and showmanship. We need to go wash in the Jordan and be cleansed.

Heavenly Father, It is through your power that I was created. Every breath I take, every morning I wake, and every moment of every hour, I live under your power. Father, I ask you now to touch me with that same power. Fill me with the healing power of your spirit. Cast out anything that should not be in me. Mend what is broken. Wash me until I am whiter than snow. Thank you for listening and answering my prayer. In the blessed name of our great Physician and Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen.

NOTE: Rev. Washington’s newly revised books are now available for immediate sampling and sale in multiple ebook formats, readable on any computer and virtually any ebook reading deviceeBOOKS

Tags: almighty god, God, Jesus, jesus christ, jordan, journey, power

Someday

Someday, there will be
No evil to contend.
We will live in blessed unity,
No causes to defend.

Someday, there will be no tears
To flow from our sad eyes.
No deep soul wrenching grief;
When man no longer dies.

Someday, all of this world’s wrongs
Will be transformed into the right.
There will be no nations in battle,
No wars that we must fight.

Someday, nothing will separate
Humans from one another.
For in the presence of Infinite Love,
All will be our sister or brother.

Someday, the lion and the lamb
Together will harmoniously play.
The Lord will descend in splendid glory
And earth will be cleansed…someday.

Tags: grief, lion and lamb, poem, the Lord, unity